One day I was in that long room in the middle, right next to Gyans office. It was probably sometime in late ’81 to ’82. I’m not sure of the year, but I do know that things had started that gradual descent into insanity. Patricia was holding court and I was in there for some reason. I remember her talking about how one of the first things Donato did for her when he came into his healing abilities was to heal her of her religious fanaticism! That’s a good one, huh?!!
The incident sticks in my mind because right after she said that I thought, “I guess you must not have accepted your healing.” As Al would say, I was accessing my inner smart-ass. And then of course I quickly looked around to make sure no one had caught that thought. No one had, but I felt guilty anyway. So it was one of those moments that get burned into your memory because you feel like you’re standing out like a sore thumb, but you’re actually the only one that notices.
Over the years I’ve come to believe that what we experienced there was really just an outer manifestation of Patricia’s particular brand of emotional and mental dysfunction. We all tried desperately to stay afloat on the waves of her euphoria and paranoia, always thinking, as she did, that these were real things. We didn’t realize that they were just her projections. And I think the reason things were so good there for a year and a half or so after the big split was because she was pulled up short by the consequences of her actions with Melickia and Mohanta, the EWS, and the whole Escondido Temple going away.
I remember another time with her when she was talking about corrections, and about how it doesn’t matter how bad a thing you’ve done, the Father always loves you. Celine asked her what bad things she had done. (Celine was a bit incredulous, I think, because she didn’t really believe Patricia could have done anything that bad.) Patricia said, very quietly, “we lost a whole Temple.” She was speaking of herself, of course. I’ll never forget that. She said something very important there that it took me another year or so to put into a bigger picture.